just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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