Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
