im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize