I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
