If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
