dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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