My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
