You made me cry and you don't even care
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i came on her dog
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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