My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
