I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
