My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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