Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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