So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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