This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I look better un-naked...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
