Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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