Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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