her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
