Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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