A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
