I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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