That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
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