and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
