i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wear drunk well.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
