there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
