I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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