new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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