I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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