Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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