this just has baby written all over it
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
