True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so let's talk penis.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.