just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down