I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
