he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
