I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
