Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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