My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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