but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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