Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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