When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
