I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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