Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
