I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
