3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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