Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
the raccoons are back...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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