I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
