I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
