My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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