birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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