ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
