I can text with my tongue
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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