He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
