If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
