i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
