this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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