ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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