my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
