The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
