so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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