If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
