my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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